WHAT DO YOU DO WITH GRIEF?
Shadows settle on the place, that you left
Our minds are troubled by the emptiness
Well I've lost it all, I'm just a silhouette
I'm a lifeless face that you'll soon forget
And my eyes are damp from the words you left
Ringing in my head, when you broke my chest
Distract our hearts from every missing word
But I'm forever missing him
Grief.
[sigh]
Such an elusive aspect of being human. Something that no one really wants to encounter and yet inevitably we do. Life is full of loss (and renewal) yet nothing prepares us for the pain and aching heart that results in deep loss.
Grieving is tough. It’s unpredictable and definitely not linear. It’s surprising and very lonely. It can help when we know someone else has been on the journey but no two experiences look the same. And trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t understand just adds to the loneliness. It’s such a hard experience and emotion to put into words. One that helps me validate my own emotions is that it’s love that has no where to go.
I don’t have all the answers, maybe because it is something to go through - not around or over but I have thoughts and experiences that I hope and trust will ring true with someone who is reading this today. We need to find our own ways of coping and discover what we need to process the pain and loss. It looks so different for every single person and as a culture we don’t always allow people space or validate the need for grieving. More on this in a bit…
Grief can come in waves and creep up unexpectedly, the smallest triggers and years after the loss. The mind forgets but the body remembers.
“Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed. That doesn’t mean needing someone to try to lessen it or reframe it for them. The need is for someone to be fully present to the magnitude of their loss without trying to point out the silver lining.”
WHY DO I CARE ABOUT GRIEVING?
I’ve been on a loooong journey with grief spanning 22 years now. I didn’t know how to grieve when my dad lost his battle with a brain tumour when I was 16. I didn’t know what I was meant to be doing with it and how to cope other than not to feel and get over myself. It’s only now as an adult I am repeatedly reminded that it was a childhood trauma that I actually experienced. I have a hard time letting that sink in. I couldn’t even recognise the pain in my numbness and escaping mechanisms and more recently am still learning about grief’s many faces.
It changes.
And it’s important to recognise that this deep pain and loss doesn’t only apply to death. But also relationship and marriage breakdowns, loss of a job or career. Even the death of a well loved pet. And lots of other life experiences too, including the collective sense of death, loss and disorientation that the pandemic has wreaked in our lives in the past two years. The struggle personally has come in waves and has also reactivated and triggered grief into a new intensity.
I particularly care about grieving because I think we live in a culture that doesn’t give us any sense of how to do it. Our rituals are about planning the funeral and then getting on with life. I’m learning that it’s okay to be sad and show emotion. In fact it’s healthy. But most importantly that we cannot run away from it. I did for years and all that suppressed pain, love and emotion caused an almighty burnout and break down. It was ugly and I had to drop out of University for a year, but the release and healing that came from facing up to it was something I didn’t understand or know it was possible.
I really feel and believe that we have been going through a collective grieving process. Some of us have lost loved ones which is made even harder that we can’t be together to share in our pain with an embrace at funerals and the heart-wrenching pain of not being able to say our final goodbyes. (I have my own regrets about this but know I need to forgive my 16-year-old self). And if we have not lost anyone personally we are still surrounded by a great sadness - this week alone I heard of 3 deaths in one day from a client, neighbour and family friend. We also care and grieve with those who are grieving. Connecting and holding space for those suffering offers a really deep sense of connection if we let it in.
“Grief isn’t something to get over but get into fully. It’s heartbreak isn’t a malady but can be a portal to depth and communion, ripening into a grounded bareness of being that guides into deeper and far more humane ways of being.
”
BUT HOW DO YOU GRIEVE?
Again it’s important to say that I am no authority on this matter. But I have experienced it on a deep level and hope that my years of experience on a journey that I would never choose has brought some insight and understanding.
I’ve been to counselling. I’ve taken medication to be able to do that in the past. I’ve more recently been to therapy when the pandemic seemed to reignite and trigger feeling of loss and deep sadness. I will summarise more below but the main thing I’ve learnt is that sitting with it and allowing all the deep, painful, complex emotions to surface and have a voice is the only thing I know helps. Our loss matters, the person we loved mattered and so it is right that we miss them. And creative outlets particularly bring meaning and let me express beyond words and express stirrings of the soul.
As already mentioned no two people will grieve in the same way so it’s important to tune in and listen to yourself. To be open with loved ones what is going on and seek professional help too if necessary.
““I’ve always thought of grief like throwing something rotten into a pond. The ripples gradually spread and disappear. Every so often something triggers the rot to bubble up and reach the surface again.”
”
SOME THINGS THAT HAVE HELPED ME ON MY JOURNEY…
I hope you are beginning to see that grief isn’t something to fix and run away from but to let have a voice and a space for your love to go. There are a lot of methods and ideas that can help us do this, even when it feels that nothing could ever change.
Here are some of the things that have helped me across the years that can help the process and help us make sense of the confusion, and inner conflict, making things a little lighter. It comes with a caveat though don’t make yourself ridiculously busy doing all these things in the hope that it will all go away and distract you. Rest is important when exhausted with emotion so go easy and try things when you have the energy and focus to do so. I really hope they reach someone who needs this today:
Therapy or counselling
It takes a lot of courage to go down this route. But talking therapy (as well as many other more emerging types such as EDMR and EFT) is very powerful and I could not recommend it more. I have gone through this process three times in my life and every single time huge transformations have occurred, not always instant but always lasting.
Crying
We don’t really enjoy crying and the vulnerability it takes to let it all out. But this gives a huge release and research suggests it releases stress and increases endorphins. Find a safe space to let it out and don’t judge yourself afterwards.
Journalling
This is probably one of the easiest to implement into a daily routine and I write freehand consciousness, uncensored and honest especially when emotions are too much (and when they’re not). Sometimes my writing takes on a life of it’s own in its style and often small whispers of hope and direction form right in front of my eyes.
There is a lot of interesting research on this. Journalling firstly slows us down making us more thoughtful (yet reducing internal chatter) and mindful writing rests the brain too. The neural pathways that form by drawing letters with our fingers is a unique one and only activated by writing and over time is linked to better learning and memory. And amazingly, the formations of letters go near or through parts of the brain that manage emotion! It also helps self expression - you take the time to really figure out what you mean to say. And the honesty really flows when we know that no-one else is reading it too.
Nature
The cyclical nature of the natural world brings a welcome balm. The fact that it is ever-changing through the seasons reminds us that our inner state is not static and can change too. Seeing green and connecting to something bigger also helps to bring meaning. It rests our mind and can inspire thoughts and solutions as our creativity wells up. It helps us be present and feel our aliveness.
Grief Advocates
Try listening to grief podcasts such as Grief Cast or The Good Mourning Podcast or mental health advocates on Instagram who research and share lots on the topic in helpful ways such as Grief Uncovered and Grief Guide. The experience of grieving is so unique and yet knowing that someone else is traversing it is a light relief and welcome solace.
Reading
Understanding the science and lived experiences of others is helpful too for those of us who value this way of learning. The Body Keeps Score is a great read about the embodied nature of trauma and breakthroughs in the treatment of PTSD. The Rallying Cry: Healing the Hardest Parts of Life Through Creativity by Suzie Jay Goldsmith writes so personally and imaginatively about her experience of loss and grieving and how creativity helped her grow and make sense of that experience. And a recent discovery through my son’s PHSE lesson (thank you awesome teachers!) When Sadness Comes to Call which is the most beautiful expression of how to sit and experience grief and sadness.
Making or listening to music to express my emotions
This is my default setting when I am depleted of energy and yet need to express. I don’t need to get any materials ready. I can just sit down at the piano and let my fingers dance around the monochrome keys. I learnt to play as an adult and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done.
Over the past six months I have played every single day to express my emotions, rest from my overthinking and also ground myself as I get into my body. My torso sways and feet pulse on the pedals - it is a whole body experience.
I’ve been learning Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata which has a satisfying melancholic and sombre tone punctuated with brief moments of optimism as well as anger and rising melodies. The triplets give a sense of perpetual movement and it was a good challenge for my ability. I’ve played it at least 100 times now and each time it really helps me locate my feelings and presence. I decided to do a little research into the piece as I love thinking about what inspired and motivated someone to make their little piece of art and put it into the world. It turns out that this was written and inspired by a lake in Hungary and was triggered by a huge loss of love in the composer’s own life. Bodies of water became a huge meaningful metaphor in my grieving process (maybe my subconscious mind?) but what struck me was my connection in my pain to a man who seemed to have already experienced a deep experience 200 years before this. This is the power of art and creativity to connect to the collective human experience and transcend time.
If you don’t play an instrument then consider creating a playlist that allows these feeling to surface or lyrics that resonate. Here’s one of mine to get you started - I hope it inspires and gives you some space.
CRAFTING whilst sitting with my emotions
When I had clinical depression when I was 21 and this was all my brain could cope with. Growing and twisting pieces of wool around needles into something patterned and useful was very healing. And wearing that scarf even years later has a special comfort and strength. A friend who lost a child reaffirmed this need to make something physical that could come to completion to help heal the incomplete cycle of life that they experienced. Our creative souls are so wise. You can hear more about my mental health journey here.
“Click, in, through, around, click
Fingers dancing in silent symphony
Growing, building, being, pushing
On goes the tapping and going-through
Not wasting time but being with time
Tick, tock, click, tap
”
Resting and extra sleep
This is really important. I know it feels unproductive and our minds in this modern world are conditioned on doing, making and doing more. The resistance for this is strong but giving in to this and letting go of expectation is a real healer. We carry a lot of the pain in our bodies and we need to physically heal sometimes. Our spiritual, emotional and physical wellbeing have a direct effect on each other.
Looking at old photos and remembering the best moments of that relationship.
This can be hard too if they are tinged memories (and for years I couldn’t do this because of my Dad’s long illness) but on the other side is deep joy and love that never leaves me now. I read some of his dream journals and books he used to read. Find a way to connect using your imagination. More on this in the next section.
Talking to friends especially when it gets overwhelming
It’s hard to let people in - I always assumed they won’t understand or feel ashamed I’m not coping better. Again, there is a lot of natural resistance to opening up (I blame the British stiff upper lip) but as Brene Brown says vulnerability builds community. We have to let others in by letting our guard down. Not to everyone but to someone. Walking and talking with friends over the last year and sometimes our tears falling in the rain were very important and special moments that I will treasure and know have helped on my healing journey. And I know that in return they trust I am here for them when they need me.
“Muddy steps. Deep breaths. Sighs and sometimes tears that get lost in rain. Listening and feeling heard. Such a simple human interaction but powerful and sometimes life-altering. Step over step. Breath over breath. Floral scents of spring hang in the air and hope fills my lungs. The sun sometimes emerges and its unexpected warmth on my shoulders brings rest.”
WATCHING FILMS
It can be really cathartic to watch films and really note what emotional triggers arrive. The Name of the Father was one that really revealed something to me and also more recently in Maid when an abandoned theme came up. Our pain is much deeper than just missing someone. There can be feelings of abandonment or even anger, especially if you are processing a childhood trauma. Therapy is an incredible way of accessing these deep insights.
A BIT MORE ON CREATIVITY
Grief cannot be conveyed in words. It’s so complex and visceral. It needs matter and physicality. And it somehow feels safer and more holistic to let it out through my fingers on the piano or singing a sad song than just saying how sad i feel out loud. I really hope that you have found some ideas to try and create space for yourself in this read.
There is a lot of evidence and research that supports and explains why these experiences are so powerful. Have a look at this Guardian article about how finding time to be creative gives you respite from your worries. I would slightly tweak the title though. You have to make time - the moment doesn’t just arrive…
In one of my favourite books of late - Care for the Soul: A guide for Cultivating Depth and Sacredness in Everyday Life - Thomas Moore says that, “To the soul, the most minute details and the most ordinary activities carried out with mindfulness and art, have an effect far beyond their apparent insignificance.” Or as we like to say in our house - sometimes doing nothing is doing something!
I also wanted to share this article from TED that gives some other imaginative tools to connect with the person that you have lost. The writer explains, “When we’re forced to say goodbye to someone in the physical form, we’re also being offered an opportunity to say hello to them in our imaginations.” I really wish I had realised some of these techniques 20 years ago and understood the ways I could have connection and create meaning and a place for my love to go. Read the article here and I pray it awakens your imagination.
“To create your own ritual, ask yourself what brought joy to your loved one. The more specific you can be with your answers, the better.
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So what do you do with grief? Let it in. Let the sadness have space to be for a while. Don’t run from the emotions. Let them be and they will teach you something and bring connection. Let others in and find a way to befriend it. It’s a long journey and not always easy but things do get lighter.
“Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o-er wrought heart and bids it break.”
As Carl Jung so eloquently puts it, “Everyone carries a shadow, the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.” From my experience the hidden, uncovered and unrealised emotions affect our relationships and so much of our lives in ways we would rather they didn’t. Our resistance to let ourselves feel too much is partly because we don’t want to wallow. But all advances in psychology show us that validating emotions and processing them in safe ways is very different and more healing than simply moaning about the situations we find ourselves in.
Before I go, please seek help if you need it. It’s a really brave thing to do and will help things to shift internally. The clouds part. Help is there. Here’s more places for support: @theneurosculptor, @the-thomas-connection, @clare_diane @igototherapy, @mindcharity, @mentalhealthfoundation, @kintsugihope, @tiliatherapy and @thezenmum.
Sending virtual hugs & healing where it’s needed - remember to go easy in yourself. There is no blueprint, you are on your own unique journey.
Donna x
PS - Please get in touch via DM via my social media here me or comment below to let me know if anything here has helped or you want to ask anything. I’m here if you need a friendly listening ear. And please share with anyone you know who is grieving right now and or is in need of supporting a loved one.
These photos were taken when I was going through a very sad, emotional period at the end of 2020 and were all taken on a walk near my house. I hope the images somehow speak to you and somehow bring comfort. Taking them brought me a sense of peace and understanding. I hope and pray you find an outlet that does the same for you.
And the song lyrics in the introduction are from Youth by Daughter which are doubly poignant for me as it was the track I used to choreograph a piece of theatre in 2014 (when I was a dancer/choreographer). It’s about women waiting to hear from their loved ones during WW2 and their responses to letters that arrived. At the time I didn’t realise the impact that song and experience on my life until I reflected on it recently, especially the unspoken stories of women that need to be heard.